Does your life need to be “figured out” before you find “The One”? Some people hold off on a relationship for months or years thinking they need to “find their bliss” or lose 10 pounds or achieve a big life milestone before they can be worthy of a relationship.

But over the years, I’ve found that all it takes is something that is a MUCH more achievable goal . . . In this video, I’ll give you the truth about what you need to do when looking for love so you can find the right person for you without needing to be perfect!

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Matthew:

You know, when you have enough money, it’s “F-You Money,” you can say no to anything you don’t want to do. Well, I think there’s such a thing as “F-You Confidence.” You don’t need to be happy before you find a relationship, you just need to be happy enough. We are going to do an awful lot of healing with the right person. And I want to give you three potential ways of looking at this, three things you could do.

When people say, “You have to be happy before you meet somebody, before you find a relationship. You have to be complete. You have to be fulfilled,” does any part of that grate on you? Because it does for me. It’s hard enough, by the way, to be on your own when you want to find someone without being then kicked in the head with, “You know, you really need to be happy before you find someone.” Usually said to us, by someone who’s in a relationship, who wasn’t happy when they met someone, whose life did get better by meeting someone.

So I have some good news for you today. You don’t need to be happy before you find a relationship, you just need to be happy enough. Happy enough. Why is happy enough so important? Because you want to be happy enough that you don’t settle for the wrong thing. You want to be happy enough that if you find the right thing, but that person ends up treating you badly, you can walk away from it. You want to be happy enough that the right thing doesn’t become your everything.

I actually really don’t like the idea that we have to be completely happy, and enlightened, and have everything figured out, and that’s when the right person comes along. I think that’s nonsense.

Love Life Club Member:

Who even is that?

Matthew:

Who is that? We are always working on something. We’re always going through some new problem, some new stage in our life that we weren’t ready for, and we are going to do an awful lot of healing with the right person. In fact, I would argue that the right person is partly defined by the person that is the greatest catalyst for that healing. You can begin to heal with that person, you can be soothed with that person in a way that maybe you haven’t been able to be in the past. And because you’re with someone where there’s a real safe environment, that’s created for growth and for healing, you kind of relax. You drop your shoulders, you’re not holding on so tight, and you start to become more of who you can be. So I prefer, rather than thinking we have to be happy before we find someone, I prefer the idea that we have to be happy enough before we meet someone.

The challenge is how to enjoy the journey along the way whilst it’s not happening. And we have to go from basing our happiness around getting the result, around meeting the person, to expanding our lives in pursuit perhaps . . . Or not even in pursuit of, that makes it sound like that’s the only goal. We have to expand our lives knowing that meeting the right person may be a byproduct of expanding our lives. And I want to give you three potential ways of looking at this. Three things you could do.

One way to expand our lives is to look at the needs that we have to meet every week. For me, I need to meet the need for learning new things, that’s like a real basic need for me, is that I want to learn more, I’m curious and I always want to be learning. I have the need to train. I like training, I like working out, I like staying in shape, so I have that need. I have the need for connection with other human beings. What’s a way to meet those needs that is outside my comfort zone or just something that I don’t normally do?

In January, my friend Lewis Howes, he invited me to go do that ice retreat with Wim Hof for 5 days, with a group of 10 guys. Absolutely not my cup of tea, not something I would do for enjoyment, jumping into frozen lakes and doing 10-minute ice baths, that is not my idea of a good time. Although, I did have an amazing time and I’m so glad I went. I could have said to Lewis, “You know what? I know this is going to be great for me and it’s good physical exercise, but I’ve got Jujitsu that week, and that’s the thing I always do, that’s my routine. I’m just going to stick to that.”

Sticking to that can be a major limitation. And doing that retreat with those guys has led to a completely new friendship group in my life as a result. And, of course, a new set of skills, new knowledge, new neural pathways, it has so many benefits, but it’s led to the new. Ask yourself, “What way of meeting my old and consistent needs could lead me to the new?” I’m still meeting my needs, but I’m meeting them in different ways than I’ve become accustomed to.

Number two, start saying yes to the invites of people that you don’t normally say yes to. So that you’re not just hanging around the same people all the time. When that person you don’t see that often says, “Hey, this thing’s going on, if you wanted to come.” Instead of being like, “Oh, no, I . . . Yeah, I don’t know. I’m kind of busy,” actually say, “Yes.” I know it’s uncomfortable, I know it can be a bit difficult to go and be a part of something where you don’t know anybody, but that’s where new friendship groups come from. Explore a new world through somebody else. And if no one is inviting you to do something new right now, then you go to someone you don’t know that well and invite them to do something new. Be the leader in the process. Take the lead.

And number three, the 90-Minute Challenge. Let me explain this. Travel I think is one of the greatest ways to expand our lives. The 90-Minute Challenge is find the adventure, find the way that you can be a tourist within a 90-minute driving radius of where you live. Have you ever had that experience of going and doing something close to where you live and going, “I can’t believe this exists within an hour or an hour and a half of my house? I never knew this was here. This is beautiful. This is stunning. This is amazing”? Go do that thing. Now look, I’m not saying that when you go do that thing, you’ll meet the right person there, right? You may go there and there’s no one there. That’s not the point.

The point is to expand. The point is to enlarge your world. If in the next three years you don’t meet anyone as a result of doing this, there is nothing that I’ve talked about that you will regret. You will still look at those three years as three of the most amazing, beautiful, mind-expanding, world-expanding, friendship-expanding years of your life. But I also believe that if you take this approach to life, that it makes meeting someone as close to inevitable as possible. Do not allow your life to contract. Make a commitment to expansion so that you can be one of those people who can be happily single, but also hopeful of who might come.

Here are the three components to being happy enough. Three circles that form a Venn diagram. These three circles when they all intersect create happy enough. One part is your communication. If you think about it, all of the Get-The-Guy programs that I’ve created over the years are about creating great communication. How do you, with the person you’re trying to attract, communicate your value? How do you communicate your needs, and how do you communicate your standards and expectations? Once you’ve learned this language, you’ll always know how to handle situations, good or bad, in your love life, or indeed in any of your relationships. So communication is a competence that we need to learn.

The next one is confidence. Now this entails your relationship with yourself. What do you see as your value? How do you treat yourself, and how do you allow others to treat you? If you think about it simply, this is understanding that you have needs, and are worthy of those needs being met. This is learning how to communicate your needs to somebody else. This is being able to walk away from something when you’ve communicated your needs and you realize they’re not being met. That’s the interplay between these two things.

The third circle is your life. Having a rich and fulfilling life. That means, when someone meets you, they realize that they get an invite to this incredible world that is your world. You’re not looking to someone to create a life for you, you have an amazing life to share with another person. This is essential.

And I think of our life as a series of legs under a table. Our health, our fitness is a leg under the table. Our career or our sense of purpose is a leg under the table. Our passions, our hobbies, our friends, our family, all of these things, skills we’ve trained in our lives, the fact that we can play the guitar, the fact that we have certain knowledge, we know a language, these are all legs under a table that make that table more and more sturdy. And any time one of those legs breaks and needs replacing, all of the other legs support it. So if someone’s treating you poorly, if they’re no longer respecting you, if they no longer show they value you, then you can walk away. One leg breaks, the other ones all support until you’re ready to replace that leg of the table.

These three things are extremely important. Because when you have all three, you create a situation where you are happy enough. And happy enough is a more modest goal than blissfully happy, enlightened, 100% fulfilled in your life. Happy enough allows you to be strong. Happy enough, in fact, is a kind of invincibility. This to me is lifesaving. This isn’t about being blissfully happy all the time. I can’t coach you on how to be blissfully happy all the time. I’m not. But I can coach you on how to have a personal power that means you never stay in something that you should’ve left a long time ago, you never allow people to treat you worse than you should be treated, you don’t stay in anything for too long that’s making you unhappy, and you drive after what it is you want.

I have for 14 years now run a Retreat that people have gotten confused about. Because they’ll say to me, “Matt, I like the idea of your Retreat, but I don’t want to do a love Retreat.” I’m like, “What are you talking about? This isn’t a love life Retreat.” The whole point of the Virtual Retreat or my Live Retreat is to get people to a place of such personal power, they can always say no to the wrong thing, and they always have the courage, the drive, and the structure in their life to go after the thing that’s actually going to make them happy. When you have that, you’re invincible.

I’m a huge fan of this happy enough concept, because it allows us to make really strong decisions in our lives. It allows us to say no to what’s wrong for us, it allows us to take risks in going what’s right for us because we feel like we have a stable base. I think of it as being almost like how people talk about “F-You Money”, “You know, when you have enough money, it’s “F-You Money.” You can say no to anything you don’t want to do.” Well, I think there’s such a thing as “F-You Confidence.” You have so much confidence in your life, you’re so happy with your life, the way that it’s going, that you can take risks. If you come across someone who’s not treating you right, you know how to move on and say no, because your life is great as it is, or it’s great enough, it’s happy enough.

Now look, I take people through an entire process where I show them how to get to happy enough, by creating a life that they’re proud of, purpose in their life that drives them, a relationship with themselves that makes them feel like they’re secure. They’re no longer looking for validation and security from the outside. I show them how to heal from the things that have happened in the past. We all have something that we’ve struggled to heal from, and we don’t heal automatically with time. Time does not heal all wounds. Directing our healing is what heals wounds over time. But we have to actually direct it properly, and that’s what I’ve specialized in over 15 years now.

In October, I have my 6-day Retreat happening from the 9th to the 15th. This one is in person, in Florida, Fort Lauderdale. We’re going to be on the beach together for 6 days. We are so close now. It is upon us, and we have most of the places already full, so this is my invitation. Not everyone will be able to get on, but this is my invitation to those of you who are really serious about getting to a place where you are happier, more confident, more secure, enjoying life more, managing the tough transitions in your life better, then come join us on this Retreat.

If you wait and you miss this one, it will be a whole other year, if not more, until you get the chance to come again. So make sure you go to this link now. It’s MHRetreat.com. When you get there, you’ll find everything you need, plus an opportunity to book a call with one of my Specialists so that you can talk about the program.

I look forward to seeing you there. It’ll be nice to give you a hug in person, which is a step up from YouTube, is it not? But thank you so much for watching this video, and I’ll see you soon.

The post What You Need to Know BEFORE You Get Into a Relationship appeared first on Get The Guy.